Some Thoughts…

This weekend, I went to Ooty for an outing and it was a wonderful experience. But, the previous week, I had a strong feeling that I will not come back. It was a bit frightening. I felt as if I was walking toward my death. I have no idea why I felt that creepy feeling each time I thought about the outing and it got worse as Friday evening approached. Still, I didn’t want to miss the opportunity and had decided to go, no matter what may come. In spite of such thoughts, I did truly enjoy the outing. There were a number of things that crossed my mind, and one moment I thought, if I ever come back I should write about those moments. Here they are…
I got a mail that my performance bonus is 18% (quite a good percentage considering my tenure), but even as I was reading that mail, I was wondering if I would ever be back to make use of it. When I was traveling home from office I found myself wondering if I would ever make that journey again. Whenever I saw something interesting on the way, I was thinking it was probably the last time.
In the midst of such thoughts, came a load of questions in a flash. The question: Have I done anything useful so far? Has there been a purpose in my life? Have I done something not for myself, but for the benefit of others? When I am gone, how many of my friends get to know about it? And what would they be saying when they know I am gone? What would it do to my parents?
First, I thought I had wasted my life. I was wondering if there was a single act that meant something to others. But, as time passed by, I realized that it wasn’t that bad at all. I remembered the numerous mails I’ve got so far from friends, appreciating the message I’ve sent in one mail or the other. I remembered the times they had asked me to continue sending mails and the inspiration I derived from such mails. I remembered a number of good things people have said about me and was satisfied. Finally, I thought it hasn’t been a bad life at all. Still, I think I could have done more.
There would be some friends who wouldn’t realize my absence for quite some time. These would be people who don’t really keep in touch, people who mail in or call once in a blue moon. There are others who would realize it pretty soon, because they mail in often. But all they can do would be to call my mobile or mail in. Not sure if they would get any answer. So, most of them wouldn’t get to know.
Even as I was leaving home, I had this feeling that I wouldn’t come in again. I was looking around my room, as if I would never be there. Even when I was leaving I asked my mom to pray for me and she said, “ you ask or not, you would remain in my prayers all the time.” That was a comforting thought.
As I was going to the railway station, my prayer was, “Lord Jesus, if I don’t survive, Please give my parents the strength to get through it, and if I survive with injuries, give me the strength to bear the pain”. I found myself wondering what a wonderful way it would be to leave this earth toward heaven, surrounded by the bountiful nature and beautiful valleys.
Even when we had finished or outing without any untoward incidents, I didn’t dare to think that we would reach home safe. We were a long way from home. I could rest only when I reached home on Monday morning.